I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
