I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
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I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
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Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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