Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
