She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
