I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
