My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
