i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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