Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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