Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
