Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
