you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
