Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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