I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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