Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
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She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This baby is an asshole
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Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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