she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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