So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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