y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
