I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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