So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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