Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
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i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
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I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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