Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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