so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Randomize
