Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
