I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Randomize
