remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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