all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
