if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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