the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
