She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
