Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
