I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
