i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
is this the sara with the beer cane?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
