I'm so fucking centered right now
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
