Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
