Whats the glycemic index on semen?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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