we need to drink 2009 down the drain
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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