His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
