I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
