it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
