You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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