pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Is it because I queefed?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
