I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
