so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
