dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
