every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
