she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
