I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
