I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
