Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
