I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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