my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
