just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
