The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
