i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
