The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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